What Beauty Have I?

I saw an old man today, headed to listen to a concert. He stopped me and asked if I were going with him, which I found peculiar. He then attempted to persuade me to join him, at one point asking where my beauty came from. Confused and freezing, I replied "I don't know." He looked at me and said, "You don't have any beauty in your life, then?" I was shocked by the statement. And though I joke with my friends about the loony old man, the straightforwardness of his statement has me thinking. What about my life is so beautiful? I certainly wish the old man hadn't caught me so off guard, because I do have beauty in my life--and a lot, at that. I get my beauty from the snowflakes, falling to the ground. The stars that light the sky at night, the clouds that shades the world to my eyes. The friends that surround me with love and care, the aspirations that fill the void in my life and how to get there. The number of breaths I take, the tears that stream down my face, the smiles that light the room, the laughter that spreads so soon. The days that I've tread, the numbers passing in my head, the songs that I've sung, each meaning more than the last one.

You see, old man, you find beauty in the symphony, the arts and the extravagance. I, on the other hand, find the beauty in my every day, the way I live and the things that I encounter throughout my lifetime. I wish more than anything that I could have shared this with you, old man. I would have liked to see what you thought about the youth you're so concerned about. I understand that you lumped me with every other young, immature, uneducated child. I could tell in the way you spoke that you believed me to be nothing more than another individual in a lost generation. I don't appreciate how quickly you judged, old man. What I do appreciate, however, is the reminder you gave me. You see, old man, you reminded me what misconceptions still remain in this world. Even in a college, there are still stereotypes. And you see, old man, I appreciate your attempt to reach out to me. Though your fashion was peculiar, and certainly caught me off guard, it reminded me that I have to prove myself to the world before they'll take a look at me for who I am.

Those who know me, know me. They see that I have the intellect of an adult with the attitude of a child. But I have to prove myself to be the person I know I am to everyone else. I have to show that I can be responsible and young-hearted at the same time. And I will never fully escape society's standards, because to have any impact in society--I must first be accepted. All of this has come from a brief conversation with an old man who wanted me to join him for Handel's Messiah. Thank you, sir.

A Rock and a Hard Place.

You hurt me, and you know it. You made me cry, you're the reason I can't sleep at night, you're the thoughts in my mind, and the tears in my eyes. You've taught me so much that I should do, so much I shouldn't. You've taught me what hell is, and that I can overcome it. You've forced me to adapt, to change, to mature in so many ways. We've come so far from where we were, and yet the progress is so unsure. I feel like we're going nowhere in our attempts, trying so hard but failing so quick. I want more than anything a sense of certainty, some fraction of security, a relationship beneficial to me. And I just don't know where I'm supposed to go, I'm trying so hard to let it all go. Every time I see you, there it is. Every time I'm with you, it exists. As two halves to a whole, opposites in every fashion. It's like night and day, and yet there are similarities in a way. One tries, the other not. One hurts, the other is sought. But where does this leave me, when both return to previously? The ache in my heart is tearing me apart. The void in my life is causing such strife. I've done my part and raised the flag, you adjusted your route but then fell back in. And I've never grown past a little kid, fact of it is I doubt any of us really did. You tore my world apart, and I'm trying to make a new start. The changes you made impacted like a grenade. Just when I think I'm gaining some stability, you find a way to knock my feet out from under me. And I'm wondering if I'm left to constant disappointment, and if this cycle is how the rest of my life will be spent. There isn't a soul that knows all you've put me through, and there's no individual that can tell me what to do. I find that I'm living so cautiously, because you still have such control over me. And I wonder just how much I can take, before I finally allow myself to break. You shake me to the very core, and the pain hurts so much more. I can mask it well enough, I can even hide it from myself. And there are times when I close my eyes, I finally give myself some time to realize. You're always there at the back of my mind, though I try so hard to make myself blind. It scares me most when I'm thinking sincerely, and I come to see that you might have ruined me. I fear most what kind of impact you've had, the constant upkeep driving me mad. You stole so much from me, that I'd worked to get substantially. And every moment of my life before your action remains so valuable and easily left in subtraction. And the pain is unending as you drag out the beginning, torture so intense--I can't handle this. If you yourself had even realized all that I'd seen, would you have acted differently--knowing where I'd been? I am constantly stuck in a reminder of all the harm you've caused, and every time you're around I feel the sting of what I've lost. I was a fool to think you cared for me, you'd love me eternally. But what was I supposed to know, you were the first to love me so. All the memories rank so high, and when I think back I just can't understand why. And I wish you could see that you still haunt me, your actions are still so real to me. You're the ghost in my horror film, the nightmare in my deep sleep, and it kills that you're such a part of me. Your actions are so deeply rooted to the problems I hold, none even see that I'm still a pawn in your attempts to win gold. I feel like we're faking ourselves entirely, but I'm not so sure you're as clued-in as me. We're trying to force something that you've already broken, and we find our ways through the same paths again. You keep on living, you don't bat an eye, all I can do is sit here and cry. What kind of relationship do we have here, when neither of us benefits and everything is so queer? I want you to be a part of my living, through all the advice I've been giving. I have a world in front of me, and you're holding me from destiny. I just wish more than anything that I could loosen the stakes you've forced into my heart, find a way to forget the past and make a new start.

But right now, things are how they are. We can't be happy until we have closure. You refuse to give me what I need. So we're stuck in this cycle of insanity. And it's wearing on me so much more than you can see. I only hope that I can handle what more you've got in store, because at the current time I'm overwhelmed with the bombshells you've got developed. It won't take a lot to push me farther than I'd like to go, and I'd like to believe that I'll end the relationship between us before I do myself any real damage--only time will tell.

Playing God.

Recently, a student from my high school committed suicide. I hardly knew her, yet I knew those who did...my ex dated her for a period of time. And even though I don't know her myself, it hurts to know that such a thing happened. I'd see her in the halls every now and then, at football games, it was a small school. And to look at her facebook, see the status updates, it's so hard to believe no one saw it. But at the same time, there's really a fine line there. People talk about hating their lives all the time, it's really difficult to distinguish which are sincere. The most disturbing was the final post. Goodbye. No more, no less. To even attempt to fathom someone taking their own life is a difficult thing. Yet, I must admit, I've been in such a position. I was once suicidal. It's not a rare thing. The difference? I had people that cared. And while sometimes that isn't enough, I guess it was for me. Mixed with the fact that I was presented with the effects of a suicide first-hand, around the same time. I saw the pain friends and family went through. I couldn't do that to the people who cared about me. And while I understand the feelings, the desperation, the unwillingness to go on....I cannot understand the action. I cannot fathom willingly spreading the pain you yourself can't endure to everyone who has cared about you, dedicated their time to you, loved you. I was so overcome with my own problems, and yes--I blew them out of proportion, that I thought suicide was respectable. I thought it showed strength. I am disgusted to say such things now, but that's what I thought at the time. I now wholly believe that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know firsthand that just when you are ready to give up, you don't believe you can go on anymore, if you just hold on for a little longer...everything will change. What bothers me the most is that I didn't have the opportunity to share this information before it was too late. I don't understand, really, why this event is impacting me the way it is. I don't imagine many do. I guess everyone is impacted when an individual takes the role of God. Everyone is shocked, hurt, afraid, upset. Even strangers, who may have not known them all that well. The act itself is so monumental that it's hard not to be impacted. The fact that someone can willingly end their own life is disturbing and terrifying, and painfully realistic. It happens so often, some don't even blink an eye. And maybe that's what's bothering me. I can't really place a finger on it. I just know that I'm upset by the situation, though I wasn't really close with the person. Maybe it's simply that I can put a face to the act, that slightest  bit of recognition that disturbs me so. Ultimately I feel awful, because there is this intense feeling of gratitude. I'm so thankful that I didn't make the same choice. I am grateful that I'm sitting right here, right now, faced with this predicament. And that makes it even worse that this person isn't.

I feel like this is incomplete in some way, but at the moment it's really all I have to say.

Lost.

What happens when both the sheep and the shepherd are staying put, waiting for the other to find them?

I Find It Funny.

Adults seem to think they know it all. No adults I've met, however, are perfect. Many adults I've come into contact with are ridiculously closed-minded. I haven't even spent half a year in college, and I've already learned so much. Most adults are strict about their views, and the likelihood of them changing them are slim to none. There is a lot I've learned so far about the behavior of individuals, and quite honestly--I've made it my goal to do the exact opposite. I am eighteen years old, no more...no less. And let me tell ya, gladly, what I've learned: I don't know everything. I never have, and I never will. In fact, I know very little! But you know what I learned in my psychology class? A person's long term memory has NO limit to what it can hold. So I have every intention to continue to learn, throughout the remainder of my life. You know what else I've learned in my short eighteen years? Judgment gets you nowhere. You can analyze a person, write them off as someone that isn't worth your time, but all you're accomplishing is cutting yourself off from a world of opportunities. I may not know why we were put on this earth, but I'm fairly certain it wasn't to judge others. Isn't that God's job? I've also learned that money and material items don't really matter! I've learned to take life in as it comes, because if you don't, you miss the beauty of the world you're speeding by. I've learned that no tribulation lasts forever, and that hope never really runs out--we just get tired and frustrated that it's not working out for us. I've learned the importance of letting your inner child out every now and then--I color. A lot. I've learned that when it comes down to it, you really need to do what's best for you. For so long I wanted to do what was best for everyone else, but with a life like that you'll soon realize there is no one else looking out for you. That's something you have to do for yourself, and it's necessary for you to enjoy your life. I've learned that the things we tend to freak out over really don't deserve the attention we give them, and some of the nonsense we take so seriously isn't even worth the time of day. I've learned that each day is full of something purely beautiful, and with each passing day you should find something new to be thankful for. If you do this, you'll soon realize that the bad in your life is actually something to be thankful for, because without the bad--the good isn't nearly as good. I've learned the importance of friends, especially the good ones. But I've also learned that if your friends are causing more trouble in your life than they are helping then get rid of them. If they do something wrong, and you let them know, and they do nothing to make it better--get rid of them. When it comes to friends, sometimes it's best to have the attitude of a little kid--everyone's your friend until they steal your crayons. I find it funny (brilliant use of the title in the blog itself, right there.) that adults are so condescending to little kids...they're the ones that have life figured out. But we make them grow up and we tell them they're wrong. We tell them the world is a harsh place, and not everyone is going to be your friend. We tell them they can't really do anything, there are limitations. We tell them all these fixed notions society instills in us...but we're lying. The priorities of a little kid are no different than those of a successful adult. They do their school work when they have to, get their homework done, and devote the rest of the time to playing and being happy. Now replace school with work and where's the difference? I think--and this is purely an opinion--that adults are only so serious and boring because they're expected to be. You can still have the fun of a kid and retain the responsibility of an adult! And I guarantee you you'll have more fun living that way than you will problems because you're "socially unacceptable." College is a great experience, I'm not going to lie. I mean sure, I had some of these basic perceptions before I came here. But being in this environment intensifies my views and gives me the confidence to argue them. And maybe the greatest thing I've realized since I started college is the fact that I really do have nothing but opportunity ahead of me. I can't see my future, I have no clue what I'm going to do. I do know one thing though--I'll be able to do anything. That is really one of the most amazing things I've realized. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the only one that realizes the standards society sets aren't mandatory. I wonder if anyone else sees that everything people are so worried about--money, success, advancement--and literally every other event in life is entirely relative. The meaning of it all changes from one person to the other. Simply put? We control our lives. We control the way we react, we control the way we prioritize things in our lives, we determine what is/isn't important, and furthermore...we ourselves get to decide what success is to us, what a sufficient amount of money is to us, what position is good for us. We focus so much of our times on working ourselves to death that we lost track of the point of LIVING. We get so competitive we forget about that inner kid, sometimes we even forget about the existing loved ones in our lives. Something that I was taught when I first stepped into my English class was not to accept anything. Nothing is definite, and we get to decide what is/isn't in our world. Challenge everything! That valuable life lesson is something I'll carry with me forever...and by far something that everyone should be taught. There is nothing we can't achieve, no problem we can't surpass, there is NO such thing as impossible. It doesn't exist. We hold the world in our hands, each of us. We decide how we see it, we decide our role in it, we decide what it is. And that...that's really something. I'd like to conclude this post by reiterating the fact that I don't know everything. But I do know everything that I've expressed, and it's truth, in my life. You'll have to decide things for yourself...but as for me, I have a lot of knowledge with me...and nothing but room for more. I find it funny that we limit ourselves, when we each have to potential to be amazing.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

I am in love with the opportunity of living. I adore the simplistic substancy (yes, I made this word up) of breathing. My breath catches at the realization that each morning, my eyes open and each evening they close. And my, all that is filled in between. Have you ever listened to the soundtrack of a day in the life? Quite simply, the beauty that blesses our ears with each passing moment. It never ceases to amaze me all that we take for granted. It humors me, our obsession with art, when our eyes serve as the most vibrant and flawless portrayal of beauty. We see the sun rising, setting, we survey the stars against the dark sheath of night, the trees and the animals, our fellow human beings. We are given this empty book, and it's our job to fill it...however we please. We control our every decision, each choice leading us where we want to go, each moment a step towards a new adventure. Every day is so filled with possibility, it's hard to believe we find time for boredom. There is not a thing I would do to trade in my life, my experiences, or my future. I can see what it's all worth, at face value, and the value is astronomical. And there are times in my life, as I imagine we all experience, in which I wonder just how much the people in my life value this beautiful gift. I wonder if they value their own lives and experiences as I do, and I wonder if they value my presence in their life quite as wholly as I value theirs. I've been where I've been, and I am where I am. I have developed the notions that I have as a result of my experiences. And I wouldn't change a thing. I may, at times, see things differently than my peers. I may value each simple event far more than some would take the time to think of it. But you see, this is who I am...and it's such a wonderful identity that I have for myself. I am so far from perfection, and sometimes the notions of others overtake my own. Ultimately, though, I believe in the beauty of my life, and of the lives of others. I believe that the moments no one seems to think about are, in a sense, the most important and most influential in our lifestyles. There are more moments that we let pass by than those we allow to affect us permanently...and these small, unimportant moments are the ones that prepare us for those big moments, the ones that test our character, our morals, ourselves as human beings. The world itself is a beautiful place, and it is filled with beautiful people. It is so easy to get down when you don't look for yourself, because all that is shared is the bad. We are in this world for ourselves, and ourselves alone. It is up to us to determine our own views, or if we so choose, to believe the views of others. Personally, I feel we are each blessed with this wonderful experience we know as life. There are times it isn't so wonderful, but I can't truly imagine myself without it. And I guess that's what I value most in this world, even when everything else seems to be falling apart...life is still there. The process of living, the day-to-day consistencies, that is something you can always count on. And by the time that you can't, it doesn't really matter anyway.

A World Away.

I went a week without Facebook, cellphone, and television. It was hard, yeah. It was an inconvenience, yeah. But I'm not going to lie...it changed my life. Or maybe it just inspired me to change my own life. Irregardless, my life has definitely changed. Things started off rather difficult, since my roommate went home and I was obviously the only one that didn't know such. I was very anti-social through the weekend because the multiple times I tried to find friends, they were unavailable. And I couldn't call them or text them to see where they were, since I was without phone. There was a lot of time to think, and I was definitely bored. But then the roommate came back, as well as many of my other friends, and I realized how important the people in my life are. I had felt so alone for so long, and I was sick of it. I decided I was done hoping that the people in my life who were supposed to be there for me and support me would do so. I decided, as I was going to sleep, that things were going to change. I took things into my own hands. As a result of the whole thing, I've learned that I need help and support in my life a lot more than I initially thought I did. I learned that cutting myself off from everyone hurt me more than anything. I realized that I have people who love me, and I need to utilize them a little more. Loved ones are a source of strength, someone to lean on in times of troubles and otherwise. I didn't realize how much I needed that until this past week. I took the necessary steps, and I've never felt better about my life.

Looking back at my life, there was so much turmoil. Nearly 90% of it entirely self-made. I was so caught up in my problems, and so dedicated to blowing them out of proportion and making new problems out of things that didn't really matter. I couldn't imagine a future for myself. That is one thing I remember clearly, I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life or where I would end up. I couldn't see myself doing anything. For so long, I wasn't sure I had a legitimate future. I was too caught up in the past and present to even care.

Now though, things are so different. In the short period of a week, everything's turned around completely. I don't know what course my future is going to take, but I know that the opportunities are endless. I know that with the support of my friends and family, I really can do anything.

Ultimately that's what I took from this past week. And I love it. I love being me, I love living my life, and I love that I have the friends and family that I do. I really don't feel like I could be any happier.

184 Hours -

I, Kelsey Chantele, am going where on college student has ever gone before. (Sort of.) I am delving into the realm of the dark ages. That's right--no facebook, no television, no cell phone. I am going without the conventions I so desperately depend on for 184 hours. That's a little over a week, for those of you who are pulling out your phones to do the math. I readily admit that my life is too focused on social connections through impersonal means that this is going to be a challenge. I will struggle to go so long without the comforts of today's society. It will be difficult to avoid temptations, and I would not be surprised at all if my attitude changes immensely. I depend so greatly on my electronic vices that I will have to adjust my living style in considerable measures. I am genuinely concerned about my well-being for the next week, and yet I feel this sense of excitement about the whole thing. I am challenging myself to do something that I sincerely don't believe I can do. And even attempting to do this includes considerable sacrifices on my part. I won't talk to my family, friends, all others outside of this campus for a week--aside from e-mails and letters. I won't have the alarms set in my phone to remind me where I'm supposed to be and when. I won't even have my phone to tell me what time it is. And no, I do not have a watch. Am I crazy? Probably. Will I suffer immensely? I wouldn't doubt it. Do I have a need for electronics in my life? Absolutely. So why am I doing this? Well, there really isn't a reason. I don't think I can do this. Neither do some others. I want to prove this notion false. It is my intent to go through with this entirely. I will pour a lot of my time into studying. Will my grades for this week improve? I certainly believe so. Although they could do the opposite as well, plummet from the stress of withdraw. I'm not sure if blogging is in my allowed usage or not. If it is, I will blog immensely. If it is not, my next post may be completely different from this one. I may be utterly pleased or displeased, happy or sad, etc. The consequences are really hard to imagine. Furthermore, I am going to go be a hobo now. Or at least plan out my hobo-ness. This is all.

The Whole World.

I have recently been overwhelmed by drama. Other people's problems. My own problems. I've been teetering between happy and solemn, the slightest event changing my emotion. I'm beginning to realize, though, that none of these things matter. These people don't matter. Because I've got the whole world in front of me. It's just sitting there, waiting for me to seize control. It is mine for the taking, and I can either choose to let others decide what I get and when I get it, or I can decide for myself. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and for so long this has been a big problem for me. I've only recently realized I don't have to know. I have decided what I want to do with my life. I am no longer undecided. Unrealistic? Maybe. But certainly not undecided. I am done with not knowing what I want to do with my life. I'm done trying to find that one thing that is just perfect. It doesn't exist! So, I'm doing everything. Ultimately this is about my major, which was split between a few very different paths. I had no clue what to choose or where to go with my life. I've decided to double major with two minors. I don't know if this plan will stick, but I love the idea of keeping my options open. I love the thought that I can really do just about anything. I started my college search and I hated all of the options, but now that I'm thinking things through, I love the chance to have such options available. I love the fact that my careers in life are broad and bright. I have never felt so strongly about my future. Never. Maybe things won't work out how I plan. Maybe I'll end up right where I started. But for now, things look promising. And I love right now! C:

Dream or Nightmare.

I believed that college was the escape. I believed it was a way to get past the drama of high school, the drama of my life itself. It was my dream, it was everything I looked forward to. And here I am. It's better, so much better. I can't deny that. But there is still drama. And it's not the kind of drama I've had to deal with for so long. It's petty drama. Stupid drama. Drama I really don't want to waste my time on. But I do. We all do. And the worst part? My drama is self-made. It's all in my head. It's me blowing things way out of proportion. And I know that if I express my feelings--all the time--not a soul will want to be my friend. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust me to say or do anything. I feel like everything I do is a mistake. I thought college would be a dream, yet I find myself amidst nightmarish occurrences. Thoughts, actions, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't want to be this person, and yet here I am. Am I jealous? I'm sure it's possible. I feel like I don't have one friend up here that is solely my friend. But that is the stupidest reason I could possibly imagine to be upset. I don't understand my reasoning anymore. And it's terribly true that I have mood swings, I just don't know why. I feel so powerless. I hate feeling powerless. I hate that there is still drama in my life. I feel like I'll never escape this feeling. I know that I need to let go of my past, but it's still a part of me. Maybe I understand. Maybe what I am trying so hard to hide from myself and everyone else is being thrown in my face. Maybe that pisses me off, and maybe I can't deal with not understanding the reasoning. I'm trying to change, and it keeps coming up. And I hate that it keeps coming up. I hate that I can't handle it coming up. I hate the anger I feel when such things occur. I hate that I haven't moved on yet and that this awful reality keeps pulling me back. I hate that we are too much alike for me to even tolerate the actions. It's like reopening past wounds, and it takes everything out of me. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this situation. I understand that I have to be considerate of others, but I cannot go down that road again. I won't relive my past. That is where I draw the line. I just don't know where to go from here, when none around understand the immensity of my situation, of my stance...how do I act without losing friends?

Restless Nights.

I envy those who awake well-rested. That is something that has evaded me for long periods of time. I sleep, yet I am not rested. This previous night I slept less, noises of the slightest keeping me awake. Oh, how I yearn for the days when sleep itself was simple! Funny, is it not, how everything grows more difficult with time? Everything becomes more complicated, even sleep? What I would give for a good night's sleep.

And on a slightly different tangent--I'll be brief. Sometimes people say things, not meaning any harm, and the can certainly be taken in the wrong light. If you work hard to make someone happy, and you feel you are an important part of their life, and they wish to be somewhere else...that hurts. The content is understood, certainly. But it's kind of like a slap in the face. Just a thought.

I find myself already wishing it were the weekend. I would love to sleep in, yet again. The two-day span is far too short for me to catch up on all my sleep, unfortunately. Sleep is a vital function in order to function. I would love to have more of it. I'd also like it if I didn't have things on my mind, as I imagine that would yield more sleep. But I take what life gives me...it's not like I really have a choice.

My apologies if this entry is slightly incoherent or lacking intellectual value, I'm just so tired.

Helplessness.

Everyone has experienced a point in their life where they don't have a solution. Sometimes for themselves, sometimes for others. That feeling of helplessness is sincerely a terrible feeling. No one wants to be rendered without solution, without a plan, without any direction or advice. Personally, I wish I could fix everything. I wish I had super-human powers, and that I would never experience such a feeling. It's hard enough to experience this feeling in my own life, where I should have complete control. But to see the people I love suffer and not be able to help in any way, that hurts so much more. I would rather suffer twice over than see a friend suffer. That is, simply, the kind of person I am. I dislike the way saying such makes me sound, as I am so far from good it's overwhelming. I suppose you could call me a masochist, though I don't search pain out. I would much rather concentrate the pain of others within myself than observe their tribulations. Given the mistakes I've made, the pain I've caused, the remainder of my past, I certainly believe I deserve such struggles in my life. I was once a wicked person, and I'll spend the rest of my life attempting to make up for it. And yet as hard as I try to take on the problems of others, it solves nothing. I am still helpless, and they are still suffering. I cannot do anything to stop it. This is the source of my frustration tonight. Pain and suffering, though not at my hand, is not something I can easily alleviate. I don't enjoy watching my friends struggle. I detest such helplessness. I imagine I am not alone in this feeling. Yet, this is life. And nothing I can do will change that. I'm helpless to relieving my helplessness. I can only try to take the burdens on myself, and fail many times.