Playing God.

Recently, a student from my high school committed suicide. I hardly knew her, yet I knew those who did...my ex dated her for a period of time. And even though I don't know her myself, it hurts to know that such a thing happened. I'd see her in the halls every now and then, at football games, it was a small school. And to look at her facebook, see the status updates, it's so hard to believe no one saw it. But at the same time, there's really a fine line there. People talk about hating their lives all the time, it's really difficult to distinguish which are sincere. The most disturbing was the final post. Goodbye. No more, no less. To even attempt to fathom someone taking their own life is a difficult thing. Yet, I must admit, I've been in such a position. I was once suicidal. It's not a rare thing. The difference? I had people that cared. And while sometimes that isn't enough, I guess it was for me. Mixed with the fact that I was presented with the effects of a suicide first-hand, around the same time. I saw the pain friends and family went through. I couldn't do that to the people who cared about me. And while I understand the feelings, the desperation, the unwillingness to go on....I cannot understand the action. I cannot fathom willingly spreading the pain you yourself can't endure to everyone who has cared about you, dedicated their time to you, loved you. I was so overcome with my own problems, and yes--I blew them out of proportion, that I thought suicide was respectable. I thought it showed strength. I am disgusted to say such things now, but that's what I thought at the time. I now wholly believe that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know firsthand that just when you are ready to give up, you don't believe you can go on anymore, if you just hold on for a little longer...everything will change. What bothers me the most is that I didn't have the opportunity to share this information before it was too late. I don't understand, really, why this event is impacting me the way it is. I don't imagine many do. I guess everyone is impacted when an individual takes the role of God. Everyone is shocked, hurt, afraid, upset. Even strangers, who may have not known them all that well. The act itself is so monumental that it's hard not to be impacted. The fact that someone can willingly end their own life is disturbing and terrifying, and painfully realistic. It happens so often, some don't even blink an eye. And maybe that's what's bothering me. I can't really place a finger on it. I just know that I'm upset by the situation, though I wasn't really close with the person. Maybe it's simply that I can put a face to the act, that slightest  bit of recognition that disturbs me so. Ultimately I feel awful, because there is this intense feeling of gratitude. I'm so thankful that I didn't make the same choice. I am grateful that I'm sitting right here, right now, faced with this predicament. And that makes it even worse that this person isn't.

I feel like this is incomplete in some way, but at the moment it's really all I have to say.