184 Hours -

I, Kelsey Chantele, am going where on college student has ever gone before. (Sort of.) I am delving into the realm of the dark ages. That's right--no facebook, no television, no cell phone. I am going without the conventions I so desperately depend on for 184 hours. That's a little over a week, for those of you who are pulling out your phones to do the math. I readily admit that my life is too focused on social connections through impersonal means that this is going to be a challenge. I will struggle to go so long without the comforts of today's society. It will be difficult to avoid temptations, and I would not be surprised at all if my attitude changes immensely. I depend so greatly on my electronic vices that I will have to adjust my living style in considerable measures. I am genuinely concerned about my well-being for the next week, and yet I feel this sense of excitement about the whole thing. I am challenging myself to do something that I sincerely don't believe I can do. And even attempting to do this includes considerable sacrifices on my part. I won't talk to my family, friends, all others outside of this campus for a week--aside from e-mails and letters. I won't have the alarms set in my phone to remind me where I'm supposed to be and when. I won't even have my phone to tell me what time it is. And no, I do not have a watch. Am I crazy? Probably. Will I suffer immensely? I wouldn't doubt it. Do I have a need for electronics in my life? Absolutely. So why am I doing this? Well, there really isn't a reason. I don't think I can do this. Neither do some others. I want to prove this notion false. It is my intent to go through with this entirely. I will pour a lot of my time into studying. Will my grades for this week improve? I certainly believe so. Although they could do the opposite as well, plummet from the stress of withdraw. I'm not sure if blogging is in my allowed usage or not. If it is, I will blog immensely. If it is not, my next post may be completely different from this one. I may be utterly pleased or displeased, happy or sad, etc. The consequences are really hard to imagine. Furthermore, I am going to go be a hobo now. Or at least plan out my hobo-ness. This is all.

The Whole World.

I have recently been overwhelmed by drama. Other people's problems. My own problems. I've been teetering between happy and solemn, the slightest event changing my emotion. I'm beginning to realize, though, that none of these things matter. These people don't matter. Because I've got the whole world in front of me. It's just sitting there, waiting for me to seize control. It is mine for the taking, and I can either choose to let others decide what I get and when I get it, or I can decide for myself. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and for so long this has been a big problem for me. I've only recently realized I don't have to know. I have decided what I want to do with my life. I am no longer undecided. Unrealistic? Maybe. But certainly not undecided. I am done with not knowing what I want to do with my life. I'm done trying to find that one thing that is just perfect. It doesn't exist! So, I'm doing everything. Ultimately this is about my major, which was split between a few very different paths. I had no clue what to choose or where to go with my life. I've decided to double major with two minors. I don't know if this plan will stick, but I love the idea of keeping my options open. I love the thought that I can really do just about anything. I started my college search and I hated all of the options, but now that I'm thinking things through, I love the chance to have such options available. I love the fact that my careers in life are broad and bright. I have never felt so strongly about my future. Never. Maybe things won't work out how I plan. Maybe I'll end up right where I started. But for now, things look promising. And I love right now! C:

Dream or Nightmare.

I believed that college was the escape. I believed it was a way to get past the drama of high school, the drama of my life itself. It was my dream, it was everything I looked forward to. And here I am. It's better, so much better. I can't deny that. But there is still drama. And it's not the kind of drama I've had to deal with for so long. It's petty drama. Stupid drama. Drama I really don't want to waste my time on. But I do. We all do. And the worst part? My drama is self-made. It's all in my head. It's me blowing things way out of proportion. And I know that if I express my feelings--all the time--not a soul will want to be my friend. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust me to say or do anything. I feel like everything I do is a mistake. I thought college would be a dream, yet I find myself amidst nightmarish occurrences. Thoughts, actions, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't want to be this person, and yet here I am. Am I jealous? I'm sure it's possible. I feel like I don't have one friend up here that is solely my friend. But that is the stupidest reason I could possibly imagine to be upset. I don't understand my reasoning anymore. And it's terribly true that I have mood swings, I just don't know why. I feel so powerless. I hate feeling powerless. I hate that there is still drama in my life. I feel like I'll never escape this feeling. I know that I need to let go of my past, but it's still a part of me. Maybe I understand. Maybe what I am trying so hard to hide from myself and everyone else is being thrown in my face. Maybe that pisses me off, and maybe I can't deal with not understanding the reasoning. I'm trying to change, and it keeps coming up. And I hate that it keeps coming up. I hate that I can't handle it coming up. I hate the anger I feel when such things occur. I hate that I haven't moved on yet and that this awful reality keeps pulling me back. I hate that we are too much alike for me to even tolerate the actions. It's like reopening past wounds, and it takes everything out of me. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this situation. I understand that I have to be considerate of others, but I cannot go down that road again. I won't relive my past. That is where I draw the line. I just don't know where to go from here, when none around understand the immensity of my situation, of my stance...how do I act without losing friends?

Restless Nights.

I envy those who awake well-rested. That is something that has evaded me for long periods of time. I sleep, yet I am not rested. This previous night I slept less, noises of the slightest keeping me awake. Oh, how I yearn for the days when sleep itself was simple! Funny, is it not, how everything grows more difficult with time? Everything becomes more complicated, even sleep? What I would give for a good night's sleep.

And on a slightly different tangent--I'll be brief. Sometimes people say things, not meaning any harm, and the can certainly be taken in the wrong light. If you work hard to make someone happy, and you feel you are an important part of their life, and they wish to be somewhere else...that hurts. The content is understood, certainly. But it's kind of like a slap in the face. Just a thought.

I find myself already wishing it were the weekend. I would love to sleep in, yet again. The two-day span is far too short for me to catch up on all my sleep, unfortunately. Sleep is a vital function in order to function. I would love to have more of it. I'd also like it if I didn't have things on my mind, as I imagine that would yield more sleep. But I take what life gives me...it's not like I really have a choice.

My apologies if this entry is slightly incoherent or lacking intellectual value, I'm just so tired.

Helplessness.

Everyone has experienced a point in their life where they don't have a solution. Sometimes for themselves, sometimes for others. That feeling of helplessness is sincerely a terrible feeling. No one wants to be rendered without solution, without a plan, without any direction or advice. Personally, I wish I could fix everything. I wish I had super-human powers, and that I would never experience such a feeling. It's hard enough to experience this feeling in my own life, where I should have complete control. But to see the people I love suffer and not be able to help in any way, that hurts so much more. I would rather suffer twice over than see a friend suffer. That is, simply, the kind of person I am. I dislike the way saying such makes me sound, as I am so far from good it's overwhelming. I suppose you could call me a masochist, though I don't search pain out. I would much rather concentrate the pain of others within myself than observe their tribulations. Given the mistakes I've made, the pain I've caused, the remainder of my past, I certainly believe I deserve such struggles in my life. I was once a wicked person, and I'll spend the rest of my life attempting to make up for it. And yet as hard as I try to take on the problems of others, it solves nothing. I am still helpless, and they are still suffering. I cannot do anything to stop it. This is the source of my frustration tonight. Pain and suffering, though not at my hand, is not something I can easily alleviate. I don't enjoy watching my friends struggle. I detest such helplessness. I imagine I am not alone in this feeling. Yet, this is life. And nothing I can do will change that. I'm helpless to relieving my helplessness. I can only try to take the burdens on myself, and fail many times.