Dream or Nightmare.

I believed that college was the escape. I believed it was a way to get past the drama of high school, the drama of my life itself. It was my dream, it was everything I looked forward to. And here I am. It's better, so much better. I can't deny that. But there is still drama. And it's not the kind of drama I've had to deal with for so long. It's petty drama. Stupid drama. Drama I really don't want to waste my time on. But I do. We all do. And the worst part? My drama is self-made. It's all in my head. It's me blowing things way out of proportion. And I know that if I express my feelings--all the time--not a soul will want to be my friend. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust me to say or do anything. I feel like everything I do is a mistake. I thought college would be a dream, yet I find myself amidst nightmarish occurrences. Thoughts, actions, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't want to be this person, and yet here I am. Am I jealous? I'm sure it's possible. I feel like I don't have one friend up here that is solely my friend. But that is the stupidest reason I could possibly imagine to be upset. I don't understand my reasoning anymore. And it's terribly true that I have mood swings, I just don't know why. I feel so powerless. I hate feeling powerless. I hate that there is still drama in my life. I feel like I'll never escape this feeling. I know that I need to let go of my past, but it's still a part of me. Maybe I understand. Maybe what I am trying so hard to hide from myself and everyone else is being thrown in my face. Maybe that pisses me off, and maybe I can't deal with not understanding the reasoning. I'm trying to change, and it keeps coming up. And I hate that it keeps coming up. I hate that I can't handle it coming up. I hate the anger I feel when such things occur. I hate that I haven't moved on yet and that this awful reality keeps pulling me back. I hate that we are too much alike for me to even tolerate the actions. It's like reopening past wounds, and it takes everything out of me. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this situation. I understand that I have to be considerate of others, but I cannot go down that road again. I won't relive my past. That is where I draw the line. I just don't know where to go from here, when none around understand the immensity of my situation, of my stance...how do I act without losing friends?