Face facts.

Throw it all on the table. Throw it in the air. Throw it in my heart, further my despair. Forge the elephant in the room of broken promises and hurt. Feed him and nourish him with the reminder of actions past. Fasten a leash of unforgiveness onto his large tusk. Color him blue for the tears I've cried, add some red for the anger inside. Give him a hat of 'I love yous' and care that means nothing anymore. He looks magnificent as he trots through my life. There used to be room to move, room to breathe, some normalcy to me. The elephant's grown so large, he takes up my livelihood, and what have I become? So tell me who's to blame, because I know I'm not alone nor innocent in sense. You've crafted the elephant in his image, and yet I lead him with me by his chain. His purple hue almost appears pleasant, at times I believe things can be good. I set down the leash, perplexing, and then I see his eyes. I'll never forget the eyes that belong to you, juxtaposed into his head. This misery all goes unsaid, and I fear that one day he'll rage out of control. Whose to know, tell me who will know? When he decides I don't deserve my smiles, he chooses that what happened to me will be the end of me, an elephant of his size can crush someone as myself in an instant. It's so simple a solution, but I'm made friends with my indecision, I've blanketed myself in the distrust, I've found some strength and some control in leading him around like the animal he is. All I have to do is drop the leash, but I find it's fastened to my hand. A permanent fixture in the grand scheme. And only I can change this. Only I can make things right. But I don't want to part from the only comfort I have.

to-you;

How do I forgive you?
You never taught me how.
You showed me how to hate, how to frustrate, how to tear a person down.
And you, the other half of who I am. Shall I forgive you too?
You showed me bitterness, anger, fear. You showed me desperation, and lack of consideration.
I struggle to know how I can forgive the likes of yourselves.
My heart, my security, all have been tangled into the mess you've formed together.
But, I forgive my friends. I forgive strangers so easily. You two, you meant so much more to me.
You were my supposed to be my solid ground, my safety net, a place I could go when it all went to shit.
That went up in flames, day by day, mistake by mistake. And you didn't even see it. You don't know.
So how do I forgive you? Some days I would sure like to. And yet others, I am done. I want nothing to do with you or what you've become.
You're only human, I reason. You deserve a second chance--
oh wait. I gave you that much. And it led to disappointment.
So a third? I don't know. That's a hard thing to do. I once trusted you with everything, depended on you for everything, and now I am more content when I have nothing to do with you.
So where does that leave me? I don't know.
In not forgiving, I feel awful. I feel like I owe you more than that. Like I owe any human being more than that.
But you two, you aren't just any human being. You are the ones that I'm supposed to love, supposed to trust, supposed to have for all my life.
And you've hurt me so much. I don't want to talk. I just want to cut you out. You make me miserable, in ways I can't even explain.
And so it goes, back and forth, day-to-day. My constant battle with myself.
You don't know this is how I feel. I don't want to tell you, again. I don't want to give you the chance to make it up. Because I'm too afraid, you'll just disappoint me again.

Child;

There's something really amazing about going back to your childhood. I highly recommend that people do it frequently, through whatever means necessary. Coloring is possibly the simplest means of that 'kid again' feeling. Movies are another great way. I absolutely adore Disney movies, shows from when I was a kid, etc. etc. There's something really special about remembering that time in your life--when things didn't matter as much, when you had less responsibilities, when you were as close to care-free as you've ever been. It's amazing how, when you look back, everything has changed. In my life, anyway. Things used to be simple. Everything was a good thing, new and improved in some fashion. I'd only been around on planet earth for a few years, so why wouldn't it be? Even the bad stuff was minor, it bounced off in a heartbeat. But as I grew up, I started to take all of the good stuff for granted. All of the simplicity that once amazed me was merely expectation. And so I ran out of positive to find, and the negative seemed plentiful. It still does. I mean, as anyone else, I expect life to be good. We have this foolish belief that normal means things are good, that we're happy, that everything is just fine. We've developed this concept of 'fair' in life, the belief that things are supposed to be good. And so comes the common misconception that life isn't fair. Just because things don't always go our way. That's not right, at all. The reason we lost what we had as kids is because we have been around too long. We've learned from others who have already forgotten the beauty of the everyday. Their influence allowed us to do the same. And now we're all pessimists of varying degrees, each expecting life to disappoint because what we believe should be is entirely unrealistic. That's why it's so important to remind ourselves of that time, when there was plenty of good and the bad didn't matter. Shoot, maybe if we acted like children more often we'd be a little more content with our lives. But we all do what we do, growing, maturing and the like--we find a way to have fun...new ways to have fun. Partying, for the most part. That's the killer, there. But hey, who are we to fight the destiny of your average human being, eh?

75mph.

Life is one of those things you just...figure out as you go.
But if there's anything I've realized, it's that I'm not doing a very good job of that.
There's a lot of stuff that's happened in my life. As in any life, really. But instead of facing the past, the present, the future, I try to run away from it. So it seems anyway, while I'm here at home.
I believe there is a lot that I've overdone in my head. Sometimes I worry about the flaws in one's memory...maybe things didn't go as I thought they did. My memory is pretty bad as it is. Whether they did or didn't, I am well aware that I need to make peace with my past to continue on with my life. I tend to be really good at knowing what needs done, but incredibly awful at actually going through with it.
So, coming home I've started working. I work a lot. To the point that I literally let my work take over my life. The problem comes when I don't work enough. I find myself working, speeding on so that I can leave the past in the past...and then I have a day off, with absolutely nothing to do. 24 hours for the past to catch up with me and do a little damage. I am perfectly fine with this speed-crash-speed-crash tempo I have going.
It only appears to really be a problem when I am at home, for existing reasons I imagine.
But I also know that it's more than a speed-crash tempo. That sooner or later I'm going to have to take the time to sort stuff out and quit running.
The hardest thing an individual may have to do in life is to stop and face their demons. Demons are pretty tricky creatures...reference? Paranormal Activity, haha. It's truly a difficult dilemma to find yourself in. I know what is required of me. I am well aware of what I have to do. But these are things I swore to myself I would never do. So, I keep going. Hoping that I'll find another solution, one I can endure with a little more poise.
That's life, right?
Doing whatever it takes to get by until you can fix it all up. If you ever can.
And in the meantime, I just need to keep my focus on the good. There truly is a lot to be said for optimism.

Wake-up Call.

The sooner we realize that WE are the only ones that really matter in our lives, the better off we are.

We have to live for us, no one else.

Ponderation.

My mind has been wandering lately, as it seems to do more often than not. Of course, it slides through a vast array of topics at an incredibly fast pace, but on occasion, it finds one it chooses to linger on...for whatever the reason may be. Sometimes, I learn something new. Others, I develop a fuller perspective of the particular thought. Ultimately, I benefit in some way...though it never appears such when I am delving into the depth of the thought itself.

Meaningless introduction concluded, I can progress to the intent of this piece of prose.

I firmly believe there is a reason that the p-a-s-t holds four letters, while f-u-t-u-r-e holds six. Furthermore, I also find it entirely appropriate that p-r-e-s-e-n-t holds seven letters. The past lies behind us, a portion of our lives that we are unable to alter, to fix, to change in any way, shape, or form. The past is nothing more than the basis of the present, a foundation for the future. Yes, the past does greatly impact both present and future, but we determine how it impacts and to what extent it impacts. The future, on the other hand, still has the opportunity to change, transform, mold before our very eyes. Our ability to change this unwritten, unlived, unknown piece of our lives is the sole reason that it holds more importance and, interestingly enough, more letters than our past. The part of our lives that hold greatest importance, of course, is the present. What we live now is a product of our past and a predictor of our future. The choices we make, the things we do, the people we hang with, the lives we choose to live, at this very moment--that's what matters the most. The future becomes the present, and the present the past. The key to a successful life, ultimately, lies in a successful present state of living.

And so goes the process of my mind, one thought furthered to yield some description, some insight, some....something. Brief may it be, I personally find this realization an interesting and beneficial one. I do feel that it is an important life lesson, along with the millions of others that exist. And therein lies my reasoning in sharing this. Maybe it'll help you to live your life as it is helping me to live mine.

Happy living.