Playing God.

Recently, a student from my high school committed suicide. I hardly knew her, yet I knew those who did...my ex dated her for a period of time. And even though I don't know her myself, it hurts to know that such a thing happened. I'd see her in the halls every now and then, at football games, it was a small school. And to look at her facebook, see the status updates, it's so hard to believe no one saw it. But at the same time, there's really a fine line there. People talk about hating their lives all the time, it's really difficult to distinguish which are sincere. The most disturbing was the final post. Goodbye. No more, no less. To even attempt to fathom someone taking their own life is a difficult thing. Yet, I must admit, I've been in such a position. I was once suicidal. It's not a rare thing. The difference? I had people that cared. And while sometimes that isn't enough, I guess it was for me. Mixed with the fact that I was presented with the effects of a suicide first-hand, around the same time. I saw the pain friends and family went through. I couldn't do that to the people who cared about me. And while I understand the feelings, the desperation, the unwillingness to go on....I cannot understand the action. I cannot fathom willingly spreading the pain you yourself can't endure to everyone who has cared about you, dedicated their time to you, loved you. I was so overcome with my own problems, and yes--I blew them out of proportion, that I thought suicide was respectable. I thought it showed strength. I am disgusted to say such things now, but that's what I thought at the time. I now wholly believe that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know firsthand that just when you are ready to give up, you don't believe you can go on anymore, if you just hold on for a little longer...everything will change. What bothers me the most is that I didn't have the opportunity to share this information before it was too late. I don't understand, really, why this event is impacting me the way it is. I don't imagine many do. I guess everyone is impacted when an individual takes the role of God. Everyone is shocked, hurt, afraid, upset. Even strangers, who may have not known them all that well. The act itself is so monumental that it's hard not to be impacted. The fact that someone can willingly end their own life is disturbing and terrifying, and painfully realistic. It happens so often, some don't even blink an eye. And maybe that's what's bothering me. I can't really place a finger on it. I just know that I'm upset by the situation, though I wasn't really close with the person. Maybe it's simply that I can put a face to the act, that slightest  bit of recognition that disturbs me so. Ultimately I feel awful, because there is this intense feeling of gratitude. I'm so thankful that I didn't make the same choice. I am grateful that I'm sitting right here, right now, faced with this predicament. And that makes it even worse that this person isn't.

I feel like this is incomplete in some way, but at the moment it's really all I have to say.

Lost.

What happens when both the sheep and the shepherd are staying put, waiting for the other to find them?

I Find It Funny.

Adults seem to think they know it all. No adults I've met, however, are perfect. Many adults I've come into contact with are ridiculously closed-minded. I haven't even spent half a year in college, and I've already learned so much. Most adults are strict about their views, and the likelihood of them changing them are slim to none. There is a lot I've learned so far about the behavior of individuals, and quite honestly--I've made it my goal to do the exact opposite. I am eighteen years old, no more...no less. And let me tell ya, gladly, what I've learned: I don't know everything. I never have, and I never will. In fact, I know very little! But you know what I learned in my psychology class? A person's long term memory has NO limit to what it can hold. So I have every intention to continue to learn, throughout the remainder of my life. You know what else I've learned in my short eighteen years? Judgment gets you nowhere. You can analyze a person, write them off as someone that isn't worth your time, but all you're accomplishing is cutting yourself off from a world of opportunities. I may not know why we were put on this earth, but I'm fairly certain it wasn't to judge others. Isn't that God's job? I've also learned that money and material items don't really matter! I've learned to take life in as it comes, because if you don't, you miss the beauty of the world you're speeding by. I've learned that no tribulation lasts forever, and that hope never really runs out--we just get tired and frustrated that it's not working out for us. I've learned the importance of letting your inner child out every now and then--I color. A lot. I've learned that when it comes down to it, you really need to do what's best for you. For so long I wanted to do what was best for everyone else, but with a life like that you'll soon realize there is no one else looking out for you. That's something you have to do for yourself, and it's necessary for you to enjoy your life. I've learned that the things we tend to freak out over really don't deserve the attention we give them, and some of the nonsense we take so seriously isn't even worth the time of day. I've learned that each day is full of something purely beautiful, and with each passing day you should find something new to be thankful for. If you do this, you'll soon realize that the bad in your life is actually something to be thankful for, because without the bad--the good isn't nearly as good. I've learned the importance of friends, especially the good ones. But I've also learned that if your friends are causing more trouble in your life than they are helping then get rid of them. If they do something wrong, and you let them know, and they do nothing to make it better--get rid of them. When it comes to friends, sometimes it's best to have the attitude of a little kid--everyone's your friend until they steal your crayons. I find it funny (brilliant use of the title in the blog itself, right there.) that adults are so condescending to little kids...they're the ones that have life figured out. But we make them grow up and we tell them they're wrong. We tell them the world is a harsh place, and not everyone is going to be your friend. We tell them they can't really do anything, there are limitations. We tell them all these fixed notions society instills in us...but we're lying. The priorities of a little kid are no different than those of a successful adult. They do their school work when they have to, get their homework done, and devote the rest of the time to playing and being happy. Now replace school with work and where's the difference? I think--and this is purely an opinion--that adults are only so serious and boring because they're expected to be. You can still have the fun of a kid and retain the responsibility of an adult! And I guarantee you you'll have more fun living that way than you will problems because you're "socially unacceptable." College is a great experience, I'm not going to lie. I mean sure, I had some of these basic perceptions before I came here. But being in this environment intensifies my views and gives me the confidence to argue them. And maybe the greatest thing I've realized since I started college is the fact that I really do have nothing but opportunity ahead of me. I can't see my future, I have no clue what I'm going to do. I do know one thing though--I'll be able to do anything. That is really one of the most amazing things I've realized. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the only one that realizes the standards society sets aren't mandatory. I wonder if anyone else sees that everything people are so worried about--money, success, advancement--and literally every other event in life is entirely relative. The meaning of it all changes from one person to the other. Simply put? We control our lives. We control the way we react, we control the way we prioritize things in our lives, we determine what is/isn't important, and furthermore...we ourselves get to decide what success is to us, what a sufficient amount of money is to us, what position is good for us. We focus so much of our times on working ourselves to death that we lost track of the point of LIVING. We get so competitive we forget about that inner kid, sometimes we even forget about the existing loved ones in our lives. Something that I was taught when I first stepped into my English class was not to accept anything. Nothing is definite, and we get to decide what is/isn't in our world. Challenge everything! That valuable life lesson is something I'll carry with me forever...and by far something that everyone should be taught. There is nothing we can't achieve, no problem we can't surpass, there is NO such thing as impossible. It doesn't exist. We hold the world in our hands, each of us. We decide how we see it, we decide our role in it, we decide what it is. And that...that's really something. I'd like to conclude this post by reiterating the fact that I don't know everything. But I do know everything that I've expressed, and it's truth, in my life. You'll have to decide things for yourself...but as for me, I have a lot of knowledge with me...and nothing but room for more. I find it funny that we limit ourselves, when we each have to potential to be amazing.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

I am in love with the opportunity of living. I adore the simplistic substancy (yes, I made this word up) of breathing. My breath catches at the realization that each morning, my eyes open and each evening they close. And my, all that is filled in between. Have you ever listened to the soundtrack of a day in the life? Quite simply, the beauty that blesses our ears with each passing moment. It never ceases to amaze me all that we take for granted. It humors me, our obsession with art, when our eyes serve as the most vibrant and flawless portrayal of beauty. We see the sun rising, setting, we survey the stars against the dark sheath of night, the trees and the animals, our fellow human beings. We are given this empty book, and it's our job to fill it...however we please. We control our every decision, each choice leading us where we want to go, each moment a step towards a new adventure. Every day is so filled with possibility, it's hard to believe we find time for boredom. There is not a thing I would do to trade in my life, my experiences, or my future. I can see what it's all worth, at face value, and the value is astronomical. And there are times in my life, as I imagine we all experience, in which I wonder just how much the people in my life value this beautiful gift. I wonder if they value their own lives and experiences as I do, and I wonder if they value my presence in their life quite as wholly as I value theirs. I've been where I've been, and I am where I am. I have developed the notions that I have as a result of my experiences. And I wouldn't change a thing. I may, at times, see things differently than my peers. I may value each simple event far more than some would take the time to think of it. But you see, this is who I am...and it's such a wonderful identity that I have for myself. I am so far from perfection, and sometimes the notions of others overtake my own. Ultimately, though, I believe in the beauty of my life, and of the lives of others. I believe that the moments no one seems to think about are, in a sense, the most important and most influential in our lifestyles. There are more moments that we let pass by than those we allow to affect us permanently...and these small, unimportant moments are the ones that prepare us for those big moments, the ones that test our character, our morals, ourselves as human beings. The world itself is a beautiful place, and it is filled with beautiful people. It is so easy to get down when you don't look for yourself, because all that is shared is the bad. We are in this world for ourselves, and ourselves alone. It is up to us to determine our own views, or if we so choose, to believe the views of others. Personally, I feel we are each blessed with this wonderful experience we know as life. There are times it isn't so wonderful, but I can't truly imagine myself without it. And I guess that's what I value most in this world, even when everything else seems to be falling apart...life is still there. The process of living, the day-to-day consistencies, that is something you can always count on. And by the time that you can't, it doesn't really matter anyway.

A World Away.

I went a week without Facebook, cellphone, and television. It was hard, yeah. It was an inconvenience, yeah. But I'm not going to lie...it changed my life. Or maybe it just inspired me to change my own life. Irregardless, my life has definitely changed. Things started off rather difficult, since my roommate went home and I was obviously the only one that didn't know such. I was very anti-social through the weekend because the multiple times I tried to find friends, they were unavailable. And I couldn't call them or text them to see where they were, since I was without phone. There was a lot of time to think, and I was definitely bored. But then the roommate came back, as well as many of my other friends, and I realized how important the people in my life are. I had felt so alone for so long, and I was sick of it. I decided I was done hoping that the people in my life who were supposed to be there for me and support me would do so. I decided, as I was going to sleep, that things were going to change. I took things into my own hands. As a result of the whole thing, I've learned that I need help and support in my life a lot more than I initially thought I did. I learned that cutting myself off from everyone hurt me more than anything. I realized that I have people who love me, and I need to utilize them a little more. Loved ones are a source of strength, someone to lean on in times of troubles and otherwise. I didn't realize how much I needed that until this past week. I took the necessary steps, and I've never felt better about my life.

Looking back at my life, there was so much turmoil. Nearly 90% of it entirely self-made. I was so caught up in my problems, and so dedicated to blowing them out of proportion and making new problems out of things that didn't really matter. I couldn't imagine a future for myself. That is one thing I remember clearly, I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life or where I would end up. I couldn't see myself doing anything. For so long, I wasn't sure I had a legitimate future. I was too caught up in the past and present to even care.

Now though, things are so different. In the short period of a week, everything's turned around completely. I don't know what course my future is going to take, but I know that the opportunities are endless. I know that with the support of my friends and family, I really can do anything.

Ultimately that's what I took from this past week. And I love it. I love being me, I love living my life, and I love that I have the friends and family that I do. I really don't feel like I could be any happier.