to-you;

How do I forgive you?
You never taught me how.
You showed me how to hate, how to frustrate, how to tear a person down.
And you, the other half of who I am. Shall I forgive you too?
You showed me bitterness, anger, fear. You showed me desperation, and lack of consideration.
I struggle to know how I can forgive the likes of yourselves.
My heart, my security, all have been tangled into the mess you've formed together.
But, I forgive my friends. I forgive strangers so easily. You two, you meant so much more to me.
You were my supposed to be my solid ground, my safety net, a place I could go when it all went to shit.
That went up in flames, day by day, mistake by mistake. And you didn't even see it. You don't know.
So how do I forgive you? Some days I would sure like to. And yet others, I am done. I want nothing to do with you or what you've become.
You're only human, I reason. You deserve a second chance--
oh wait. I gave you that much. And it led to disappointment.
So a third? I don't know. That's a hard thing to do. I once trusted you with everything, depended on you for everything, and now I am more content when I have nothing to do with you.
So where does that leave me? I don't know.
In not forgiving, I feel awful. I feel like I owe you more than that. Like I owe any human being more than that.
But you two, you aren't just any human being. You are the ones that I'm supposed to love, supposed to trust, supposed to have for all my life.
And you've hurt me so much. I don't want to talk. I just want to cut you out. You make me miserable, in ways I can't even explain.
And so it goes, back and forth, day-to-day. My constant battle with myself.
You don't know this is how I feel. I don't want to tell you, again. I don't want to give you the chance to make it up. Because I'm too afraid, you'll just disappoint me again.